My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
dam girl
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent