keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
want me to check your oil?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic