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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Whyâd they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
âThat’s herpesâ
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: thereâs a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely wonât want to leave the house for several weeks.
âHow much to hire a church singing group?â
âYou mean a choir?â
âFine, how much to acquire a church singing group?â
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I canât stop watching this.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
âsorry you are currently offlineâ is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
âYouâre beautiful on the inside.â
– Me, to a Twinkie
âWouldnât you like a butterscotch?â
âSure, just hold the butter.â
Him: Weâre going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesnât want you to be found with any identifiers
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is