(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Not helping