Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.