My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
#damn
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.