bias laundering edition
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I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!