My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
December birthdays be like…
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.