[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
best review i’ve ever seen
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.