In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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This kid is going places
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.