me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You Might Also Like
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
only 11 steps left
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.