I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche