I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.