I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
stop
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no