I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs