Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.