A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
You Might Also Like
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Go hard or stay average
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.