Good day meowlady
* tips cat
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs