“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math