is this store having a stroke wtf
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Do not steal food from the science building!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
inside you are two wolves
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies