Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
jesus christ confetti not now