I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War