The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
What the hell is going on?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂