If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
You Might Also Like
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.