You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*pokes sex life with a stick
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer