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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear