Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?