My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
okay run it by me one more time
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that