My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
bout dat hot dog summer
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages