MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Noah was an idiot.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.