I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.