When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Canada has crack?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg