Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
ACED my prostate exam!
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”