*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
For the ones in the back.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”