Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica