As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Did my cat write this
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
