Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”