People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]