18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
FINE, I WON’T.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet