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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I self medicate, therefore you live.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
No chill.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.