Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I like crazy people until they notice me
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that