If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You Might Also Like
Oh the world we live in…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”