Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.