My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The opposite of Iceland is water water
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.