friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
reduce, reuse, recycle
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.