Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.