Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.