interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.