My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
You Might Also Like
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me too door. Me too.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”