“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You Might Also Like
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Isn’t
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.